Dare to be Fabulous features women’s personal stories of daring, joy, and empowerment. This blog introduces those stories, highlights our contributors, and shares other DTBF-inspired notes and reflections.
Happy 2014! Here’s to new beginnings and daring adventures!
Our new DTBF story comes from Alison Levine, a history-making adventurer, explorer and mountaineer. Levine has climbed the highest peak on every continent, served as the team captain of the first American Women’s Everest Expedition, and skied across the Arctic Circle to the geographic North Pole. This, and a lot more.
Read about what it was like to reach the Summit of Mount Everest in her DTBF story, “On the Edge with Alison.”
DTBF!
Don’t you love it when you read back-to-back great books? I’ve been on a nice roll lately, and not just with books, but also with movies and documentaries. In this post, I offer two recommendations. (I will share more in future posts, as well.)
Diane Keaton‘s memoir “Then Again” is beautifully written and very insightful, not to mention, poignant, funny, and entertaining. Yes, you’ll read about her acting career and her relationships with Woody and Warren and Al, but more, you’ll read about her mother, Dorothy. Much of the book is comprised of journal entries and letters that her mother wrote over the years, so as Keaton explains it, this memoir is really written by both of them. Keaton, like her mother, kept everything in the recording of her own personal history, stashing every letter and even keeping some of her phone messages. When her mother passed away and Keaton began to pore through her many journals, she decided to weave together a combined memoir, using much of this wonderful source material. I, for one, am glad she did.
“A poem about women living in one another’s not uncomplicated memories. . . . Part of what makes Diane Keaton’s memoir, Then Again, truly amazing is that she does away with the star’s ‘me’ and replaces it with a daughter’s ‘I.’ ”—Hilton Als, The New Yorker
Miss Representation is a documentary by Jennifer Siebel-Newsom that explores how the media’s misrepresentations of women have led to the underrepresentation of women in positions of power and influence. Among the people featured in this film are Condoleezza Rice, Katie Couric, Margaret Cho, Rachel Maddow, Jane Fonda, Gavin Newsom, Rosario Dawson, Cory Booker and others. It premiered at the 2011 Sundance Film Festival and aired on OWN: Oprah Winfrey’s television network. Since then, it has grown into a movement, with its own action oriented website and a list of educational resources, including the option of purchasing DVDs for K-12 and university audiences.
The term “media literacy” is unfamiliar to many people, which is a shame, given the amount of media saturating our daily existence. Even if we think we’re well aware of media bias and how the mainstream (or as some might call it, the “lame stream”) media works, there is much to learn from watching films like this one. I particularly recommend it for girls in junior high school, when much of what the media depicts can become particularly impressionable. You’ll be amazed by some of the statistics this film offers. (It also has a fabulous soundtrack, featuring songs from Metric.)
To watch the film, you can add it to your Netflix queue, get it through iTunes, or purchase it from a film distributor. You can also look for a local public screening…or even host one of your own.
“A searing critique.” – Fortune Magazine
“Oprah stamp of approval could make Miss Representation the Roger & Me of media reform.” – Bitch Magazine
DTBF!
Johanna
Terri Lyne Carrington backstage with her GRAMMY
“…as cliché as it may sound, I am finally daring to be my fabulous self, however it may turn out.”
So writes Terri Lyne Carrington in her DTBF story, “Full Circle.” Well, she’s doing a great job at it! Terri Lyne’s “The Mosaic Project” is up for Best Jazz Vocal album at the Grammy Awards this Sunday. It’s an album she produced and which features the talents of other fabulous female jazz artists, including the ever lovely Dianne Reeves, another DTBF contributor (“Talking to the Devil.”)
We celebrated their album when it came out last July. This Sunday, we’ll be applauding them again.
DTBF!!
Mexico City legislators just proposed legislation requiring prenuptial agreements for all marriages there. The agreements would not only cover child custody issues, but also the expected duration of the marriage. The reason for this proposed legislation? The huge number of nasty and costly divorce proceedings taking up room and time in the capital’s district courts. (There was an average of 40 divorces for every 100 marriages performed between 2009-2010.)
The Roman Catholic Church has reacted harshly to this proposed legislation, calling it “absurd.” The Rev. Hugo Valdemar, spokesman for the Catholic archdiocese for the capital region said, “This is a proposal made by people who do not understand the nature of marriage.” I don’t know where he’s been lately, but anyone can attest to the fact that divorce has become an increasingly common occurrence. I can’t speak for Mexico City, as I don’t live there, but I’d say as many as 95% of the people I know who are fifty and over have experienced divorce. I’m sure none of them expected that going in, but it’s still a fact and I think it merits attention and discussion.
The proposed legislation in Mexico City suggests an estimate on the duration of a marriage contract that is no less than two years, and as long as “’til death do us part.” Personally, I think this suggestion makes great sense. Marriage, by civic standards, is a contract, despite what the Roman Church might state, and I think that having a discussion about the terms of this contract, prior to signing it, is a prudent and sensible thing to do. Isn’t that the understanding with any contractual agreement that we sign?
I’m not married now, but I’ve written here about almost doing so when I was 24 years old (see “I Canceled My Wedding.”) Fortunately, I opted out in time, rather than ignoring my second thoughts and going through all the paces, which would have led to watching the marriage sour and a likely, eventual divorce. That relationship lasted a total of seven years, so that’s a time marker that has stayed with me.
Since that experience, I have often opined that marriage contracts should be offered in definite year increments, with the option of renewal. Seven seems like a good number, due to the concept that our cells and our bodies completely change in seven year increments, and that we subsequently live our lives in seven year cycles. At least, that’s a known hypothesis. (Thus, the “seven year itch.”) Why not make marriage licenses into renewable seven year contracts? Then, when the time is approaching for renewal, you can revisit what you have, discuss it with your partner, and decide if you’d like to renew.
This contractual arrangement is also likely to keep people from taking their marital relationships for granted. I’ve been with my love Henri for nearly ten years now. He agrees with my renewable contract concept and when we got to our own seven year mark, we happily agreed to a renewal. For us, it’s not a written contract that we share, but one of mutual understanding. We also don’t have children (not counting our kitties, of course.) If we did, I agree with one columnist who suggested twenty years as the possible minimal term for a couple who wants children.
People get married for many different reasons. Why not revisit our approach to marriage and treat it as the contract that it truly is? Discuss all the terms. Agree to them. If “’til death do us part” is the way you want to go, then so be it, that can be the length you determine. Romance is wonderful, but at least honest communication and mutual understanding will be part of the deal before you both sign on the dotted line.
My guess is that couples will be happier and their relationships healthier by approaching marriage in this way. There will be a lot less divorce and a lot more happier marriages in the world.
We’re very pleased to feature DTBF stories from two renowned jazz artists, “Full Circle” by Terri Lyne Carrington and “Talking to the Devil” by Dianne Reeves. Today, Terri Lyne has just announced a new musical collaboration with Dianne and many other notable female musicians, including Dee Dee Bridgewater, Sheila E., Cassandra Wilson and many more. It is entitled “Mosaic Project” and is a celebration of female artists in jazz.
Here is an excerpt from her website:
“Terri Lyne has recorded an ensemble CD with some of the world’s top musicians, performing music that celebrates different aesthetics in music and in life. “The Mosaic Project” is a celebration of female artists with Terri Lyne being joined by some of today’s most celebrated female instrumentalists and vocalists in the world, ‘women with voices,’ coming together to support and celebrate each other from a musical and social perspective.”
Check out “The Mosaic Project.” You can order it, watch a special behind the scenes video about it, and download a free MP3 from the album.
DTBF!
Johanna
March 8 is International Women’s Day.
Cause to Pause.
Cause to Celebrate.
Let this day be a reminder to spread the love to your sisters far and wide.
And to take action to help the ones who need it.
DTBF!
Johanna & Patti
On The PBS Newshour last Thursday, the day after President Obama’s visit to Tucson, the top of the news was about his visit with Representative Gabrielle Giffords and the other wounded victims in the hospital, and his remarkable speech that followed. Until that day, the specifics of Giffords’ physical abilities, responsiveness, or improvement were being carefully guarded by her surgeons, who wanted to wait until she was out of critical condition before making any statements to the public. This was based on the desire not to mislead or provoke the media with any information that was not yet absolute in its determination regarding her status or medical prognosis. Then, during his speech, Obama told us that Giffords had opened her eyes for the first time that very afternoon.
What prompted her to open her eyes that afternoon? In part: girlfriend power.
The Newshour’s Jeffrey Brown interviewed Representative Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, a dear friend of Giffords who, along with Senator Kirsten Gillibrand, was at Giffords’ bedside when the eye-opening incident occurred. This is part of the transcript from that interview:
JEFFREY BROWN: Well, you described this as feeling like a—quote—“miracle.” Tell us what happened.
REP. DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ (D-Fla.): Well, I was—we all were so full of joy to be able to be by the bedside of our good friend Gabby, and never expected anything like what happened.
We were just talking to her like girlfriends talk to each other, and urging her on, and encouraging her recovery. And, at one point, Senator Gillibrand, Kirsten, was holding her hand, and rubbing her hand, and Gabby actually was rubbing back with her thumb.
And then Kirsten was talking about, “You know, Gabby, come on. You have got to get better quick, because we’re going to go back out for pizza like we did a couple weeks ago.”
Then I said—we have vacationed with them for the last couple summers. So, I said to her, “Gabby, you have got to get better as quick as you can, because we’re expecting you back in New Hampshire this summer.”
And then, right when I said that, she—her eyes started to open just a little bit with slits, but, definitely, you could see she was struggling to get them open. And Mark, her husband, said, “Oh, Gabby, you know, honey, if you can—if you can see me, give me the thumbs-up sign.”
And she didn’t—she didn’t respond with the thumbs-up sign. She—her eyes closed again. They opened. She kept trying a few more times, got them open a little bit more, a little bit more. Mark kept encouraging her on. We were talking, tears streaming down our face.
And Mark finally said, “Honey, if you can see me”—her eyes were open a little bit more—“then give me the thumbs-up.”
And, all of sudden, her arm flew up. She touched his arms. He said, “Honey, touch my ring if you can hear me.” She did.
We were just overcome with emotion. It was absolutely—the doctor—I’m sorry—the doctor got very animated, said this is incredible progress. He suddenly whips out his BlackBerry. He’s furiously typing on it. It was just an incredible moment. It really was.
JEFFREY BROWN: Yes, you said that the—yes, this took the doctors by surprise as well, right? I think you said last night that he—he referred…
REP. DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: It appeared so.
JEFFREY BROWN: … to it as the power of friendship.
REP. DEBBIE WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: Yes.
When we left the hospital room, when they kind of ushered us out and said, OK, enough excitement for—for one—for one period, we went out and talked to Dr. Lemole, the one who’s been so wonderful on TV explaining what’s going on.
And he said, “Look, I usually discount emotion and the impact of emotion or friendship, but,” he said, “we clearly witnessed the power of friendship here.”
And so we were very happy that our girlfriend power could make a little bit of a difference.
It warmed my heart to hear that story. Love can be so powerful. It made sense to me that their voices, love, and collective and determined desire to connect with her, helped Giffords’ motivation and ability to open her eyes, and to respond.
I thought about my own dear girlfriends and about my Love, Henri. How much I love them and how much love they’ve also given me. During difficult times, they’ve all been there, supporting me, cheering me on, and reminding me that everything will be okay. Staying patient through serious bouts of adversity was largely possible because of that love and support. And of course, they were right. I came through to the other side. As they knew I would.
All I can say is that I thank the Universe for the power of Girlfriends and the power of Love.
DTBF!
Johanna
I worry that 20- and 30-somethings all believe that it was always like this. That all jobs were always open to women as well as men, that education was an equal opportunity for women, that women’s sports programs were always available in schools, that women could always choose whatever last name they wanted to go by after marriage – keeping their own, adopting their husband’s, or hyphenating. That they always had the choices we have now.
I’m here to remind them that we didn’t. Having lived through the ‘60s and ‘70s, I can recall the blatant, unquestioned sex discrimination, the limited choices, and the contempt for women who wanted more. “More” meaning to not have to deal with obstacles erected because of gender or custom.
I am grateful that my own transition into adulthood coincided with the rise of such brilliant and brave women as Gloria Steinem, Betty Friedan, Germaine Greer, and the numerous others who risked everything by not taking no for an answer. (Read Gloria’s DTBF story, “On Self Esteem.”)
Before I even heard their names, I and many other girls my age had already experienced the frustration of being shut out from opportunities that were readily available to the boys our age. I remember specifically applying for a summer internship with the government that would allow the successful candidate to spend time in each department, to include a week’s ride-along with the city police. Because I had planned to major in the political and social sciences and was an honor student, I knew the internship would be a perfect fit. At least something I could shoot for.
I was not even allowed to apply for the internship because, I was told, “you’re a girl.” Hard to believe now, but true. Ever the optimist, on the day the interviews were scheduled, I put on my best interview outfit and reported to the guidance counselor’s office, asking to be seen. Told no again “because I was a girl,” I asked him why that was the policy and why that precluded me, a perfect candidate for the position, from even having an interview. The guidance counselor then patiently and explained to me that the police ride-along was the issue.
Not comprehending, I asked the reason for that. He looked uncomfortable. It was because, he said, it would entail me, a 16-year-old girl, being alone in a squad car with a male police officer. What would his wife think? What if we were in a compromising position? OK, I was still lost. I had never even heard the phrase “compromising position” before. But I knew it must be something unsavory that was somehow my fault for being female.
Looking back, I realized that I and every other female student was refused that opportunity because either : a) all men are too unprofessional and bent on attacking 16-year-old girls at the first opportunity; or b) we were all tempting little tartlets just waiting to seduce an older man in uniform with a paunch and a three-pack-a-day habit. Nice. I wonder they didn’t make us wear burkhas.
Angry about this and other injustices I experienced against myself and other girls and women, I remember the wonderful epiphany of hearing women like Gloria and the resonance of the wonderful new word “Feminist.” Like the suffragists before them, these women were reviled and ridiculed, subject to the cruelest and most debasing insults and criticisms. Not to mention torture, imprisonment, and commitment to insane asylums. All resonant of Medieval or Calvinistic witch burnings. And still they kept on. They kept speaking. They kept writing. They kept leading.
In college, in the male-dominated major of law enforcement, I was constantly having to justify my presence to the majority male students, but I was now lucky to have the support of a more enlightened faculty. I felt buoyed by Gloria – I almost wanted to be her. I wore aviator-framed glasses just like hers with jeans, turtlenecks and boots (Gloria’s uniform), and reveled in the kinship I felt.
Things progressed for women as the ‘70s progressed, but the going was still tough . After marrying, I kept my own name (I refuse to use the ridiculous, laughably archaic term “maiden name.”) Thus began my battle with the IRS. It seemed that a couple could not file a joint return if they had different last names. I continued to refuse to use my husband’s last name on our return until after months, they finally I think just got sick of me and just gave up. After all, they couldn’t make me change my name, even though that at first seemed like kind of a revelation to them.
I’m proud to have been at the forefront of change. I am just sad that younger women today have no idea how we even got here, and are so willing to even give some of it back. They have no idea how much thanks are due women like Gloria Steinem and others who were willing to risk everything to bring the rest of us forward. I am grateful for their fearlessness and their fabulousness. I am grateful for their leadership and their strength.
DTBF!
Patti
Two important websites I recommend: Name It. Change It and Vital Voices
