A JOURNEY OF INFINITE MILES by Aimee Halihan Baum

Aimee Halihan Baum

Aimee Halihan Baum resides in the East Bay of San Francisco. She works for the world's largest privately owned ISP. She is an aspiring writer, who never gives up hope to one day be published. When she is not working, she spends her free time laughing with her husband and watching the world unfold for her daughter.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where you knew beyond logic a change was needed? Not the ordinary kind of change, like a new hair color, but a heavy, significant change, like leaving an abusive boyfriend after having your self-esteem slowly stripped away. A change that causes your life to be turned upside down, shaken and tossed 3,000 miles to the east.

I had buried myself deep within a beautifully made up façade of platinum hair and dark red lips. The world saw an unflappable and elusive woman without need for anyone or anything. On the inside, I felt like a terrified teenage girl, who had gotten carried away in a game of "Grown Up". I didn't feel capable of living my own life.

There were few people I considered friends, though I had many acquaintances. Everyone participated in a superficial, pretentious game of "Who Knew Who", partying at the cool clubs and wearing the right look. Without knowing any better, I played this game very well.

Romantically, I opened myself up to foolish experiences which were detrimental to me instead of nurturing. I had reached a point where I had nothing to share with any man other than my body. Having naively believed sex equaled love, sharing myself, physically, left me feeling used and ashamed. On the brink of total self-loathing, I holed up my heart. I decided never to allow another person to inflict more emotional wounds on my soul. I felt the heavy bricks piling higher and tighter around my heart.

I was living a life barely alive. Half of my waking hours were spent in misery, wishing to be elsewhere, far away. The other half of my waking hours I spent pretending I wasn't miserable. I bottled up my emotions tightly. I locked my pen and paper in a remote drawer, and turned my back on the only creative and emotional release I'd ever had.

I knew mistakes I had made when I was younger would continue to haunt me no matter my desire to change or grow, because I would never be able to bloom, in the environment I was in, and put the past to rest.

I felt as though I stood on the threshold of life, knowing I could not be the woman I wanted to be, the woman I felt aching to break free from the bonds I had created for myself, if I continued with the path set in front of me. The life I was living was surrounded by lies, insecurity and anger, from the world outside, as well as within. I needed a fresh start. I needed to be somewhere I could be me. I needed to step onto a new path.

At 26 years old, I made the most frightening and liberating decision of my life. I moved 3,000 miles away from everything familiar.

I had lived my entire life in the San Francisco Bay Area. Either out of spontaneous madness or intuitive necessity, I moved to Boston on June 27, 2001. It was a Wednesday.

Upon my arrival in Boston, I was overly optimistic. The problem with too much optimism, though, is it does not afford a person the luxury of sincere reality. I could feel, down to my bones, my new life about to blossom as I stepped foot on the soil of Massachusetts. The thought of my new life not being fabulous and easy did not even cross my mind.

I was alone, on my own, for the first time in my life, save for the close proximity of a sister. I had to learn to rely on myself. I had to learn to navigate my way around an unwelcoming and strange city. After a couple of weeks, I lost my optimism. With the stress of quickly finding and moving into an apartment while diving headfirst into job hunting, I didn't have time to acclimate to my surroundings. I felt like a fish out of water. When you add it all up, I had been drained of any ideas I had had of happily ever after.

Sadness crept in as the significance of my decision hit me. I sought comfort in paying exorbitant long distance phone bills for calls made to California, in hopes of cracking a smile or hearing my lost friend, laughter. After a few months of dead end temp jobs and a horribly matched job placement, I began to close myself off from everyone. In my mind's eye, I was failing at what I had set out to achieve. I hated my job. I hadn't made any friends since my arrival. I continued to experience culture shock and I was not adjusting well. In the evenings, I would busy myself with cooking elaborate dinners for myself, and eating every last morsel I had prepared, adding 50 pounds to my petite stature. I didn't want anyone to see me fail, especially after I had spouted to everyone in California, within hearing distance, about how wonderful my new life would be.

One unusually warm day in November, after spending my lunch hour reconsidering my move to the East Coast, I was fired. I had never been fired from a job before. Shock ran through me, though not surprise. Instead of being upset or worried about losing my source of income, I felt freed from a job I had hated to begin with. Believing it would be unfair to accept a new position while pondering a possible move back to California, I took the next few weeks to come to a decision. I weighed my options carefully, and after a lengthy visit to California in December, I made up my mind. I decided to give Boston another shot.

After I returned to Boston, I went in search of a job. I was determined to meet people. Experience had taught me I would not meet anyone in a stuffy office environment, so I hot stepped it to the nearest Starbucks. I was hired by the store one half mile from my house. This time I made a note to myself not to get impatient for life to happen. I reminded myself I needed to let life unfold naturally.

Over the next few months I met people, some I took a liking to, some I didn't bother taking to at all. I lost weight thanks to walking to and from work every day, and remembering portion size during meals. I found I had friends in my life I was beyond grateful for, old and new. My first love found its way back into my heart. My release, writing, returned to me after a 10 year absence. I let my soul sing. I had found my place in this world. I had found me.

These months were incredible. The walls I had strategically built around my heart crumbled. My soul was naked. I was no longer angry or cynical.

The three years I have lived in Boston have been sprinkled with discovery. I have learned what it feels to be alive. I have inhaled life and savored each moment, grateful for the million pleasures offered everyday. I learned to slow down and just be. While drinking in the shade of an old oak tree one hot summer day, listening to myself think, I had a moment of clarity. I realized trying to be the best person I could be each and every day is all that I can ask of myself.

My sister once told me I am strong and could not fail. Although I did not listen when the words were spoken, I am listening now. The time I have taken to reflect on my life has helped me to be more self-aware, to propel myself forward, to face my fears, and taste the sweet with the sour.

My most humbling experience of making friends, and of learning how to be a good friend, is a lesson I hope to never forget. Patience, understanding and acceptance of others, their choices and lives, no longer elude me. My friends truly make my heart smile. We share hopes, dreams, tears and laughter. We are an enormous support for one another, always.

While working towards perfecting the art of being me, romance has been riding in the back seat. When I am ready, I have faith love will follow an open heart.

I have learned that nothing and no one is perfect, and have gloriously opened up to the gentle beauty and the roaring fury of the world around me.

Life inevitably gets in the way to throw a twist in my journey, and I find I am in a foreign land without any idea of how I got there or which direction to go in order to get back on my path. No map. No compass. Just me and my heart.

I have learned that if I listen very carefully, my heart will lead me home.