Column | Dare To Be Fabulous

Bigelow for the Oscar

2010-03-04T12:30:00.000-08:00

As the 2010 Academy Awards approach on Sunday and we round the corner to “International Women’s Day” on Monday, March 8, I thought I’d take this opportunity to champion the few fabulous female film directors who have received a Best Director nomination for the Oscars in its 61-year history. May this year mark a first WIN.

The Swiss born Lina Wertmuller was the first of the female Best Director Oscar nominees, when she was nominated for the 1976 Italian film, “Seven Beauties.” Her film was up for four Oscars and won for Best Screenplay, which she also wrote. New Zealand-born Jane Campion came next, as the director of the 1993 award winning film, “The Piano,” which received a total of eight Academy Award nominations and won three (Best Actress, Best Supporting Actress and Best Screenplay, also written by Campion.) The next nominee was America’s Sofia Coppola, nominated for “Lost in Translation” in 2003. This film garnered four nominations and like the others, also won the Oscar for Best Screenplay, written by Coppola . This year, Kathryn Bigelow, an American, has been nominated for the film, “The Hurt Locker” which has a total of nine Oscar nominations.

There’s been a lot of discussion about Bigelow being a novelty of sorts, due to the fact that she directed a movie about war and has a track record of choosing films that are fast paced and action centered. She takes a little umbrage at this “novelty” angle and simply describes herself as a film maker, gender aside, who happens to have an interest and a knack for this genre of film. She’s fielding journalistic queries by talking simply about her personal style. Her gender, she says, should be irrelevant.

I believe Bigelow deserves to win the Oscar for Best Director this year. Her film idea came about after she read a series of articles by journalist Mark Boal, who was embedded with a bomb squad unit in Iraq. She found the subject compelling and Boal came on board as her screenwriter. In making the film, Bigelow's mission was to make everything as realistic as possible- to viscerally bring the audience into the bomb squad's experience, instead of granting them a safe sense of detachment. To this end, she cast relatively unknown actors in principal roles, with better known actors playing the smaller characters. In addition, she shot the film almost entirely in Jordan, under extreme 110-150 degree heat, with the actors seeking cover inside Bedouin tents when they weren’t working.

I have watched several interviews with Bigelow and she references her background as a painter and multi-media artist as a big influence in her style as a film director. It’s definitely notable here. In “The Hurt Locker” she uses hand-held cameras to bring the audience into the story and to give it a documentary feel. This is not a film shot with beautiful, velvety cinematography. It is gritty, jumpy and rough. The soundtrack, too, is well considered. It draws you in. It's pulsating, like your heart beat and it stokes that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something dangerous is looming. You feel like you're among the soldiers, facing the situation equally.

“The Hurt Locker” is not a shoot-’em-up, bang, bang kind of film. This is a film that depicts what being at war is like in Iraq (and now, for that matter, in Afghanistan,) where the extreme heat and rugged topography challenge you daily; where your enemy is often hidden among civilians; and where every step you take can result in tripping an Improvised Explosive Device (I.E.D.) and causing a massive explosion. Bigelow captures it all and has your heart racing with suspense and fear from the very beginning of the film.

If you haven’t seen this film, do so. If you don’t like war films in general, then this might be the argument for why her gender makes a difference. It’s not like other war films. Yes, it’s gritty and it’s suspenseful and it has all the makings of the genre in this way, but Bigelow’s directorial touches and the film’s central focus on the characteristics of individuals who actually choose to be on an Army bomb squad...moving toward the danger every day...makes it riveting in a whole new way.

DTBF!

Johanna

Random Acts of Kindness

2010-02-13T10:05:00.000-08:00

I’m a big believer in random acts of kindness, so I offer five easy ideas on the week we honor Saint Valentine:

1) Give flowers or a small gift to a friend, family member, co-worker, or lover….just because.
2) Pay the bridge toll for the car behind you.
3) Send a donation to a cause that you believe in.
4) Compliment a stranger.
5) Give a homeless person a hot meal, blanket, food for their dog, or a gift certificate to a restaurant, motel or grocery store.

Daring To Be Fabulous includes extending love to the world around us!

(Pure co-incidence. As I was posting this, I found out that it’s Random Acts of Kindness week.)

"DTBF!"

Johanna

DTBF Videos

2010-02-02T14:14:00.000-08:00

Dare To Be Fabulous has created our own Youtube channel. If finding the time or inspiration to write your DTBF story has proved difficult, now you can relay your story or capture a DTBF moment on video, as well! Check out the three introductory videos. They give you an overview of our channel and tell you how to submit your videos for our consideration.

Currently, there are three playlists on our DTBF channel. First, is the "Celebrated Contributors" playlist, offering an inspiring and fun collection of videos that shed light on some of the notable women whose DTBF stories are posted on our site. "DTBF Stories & Guest Columnists" is another playlist. Here, you can share your DTBF stories or , if you're a guest columnist on our site, you can submit a short clip introducing your already written story (we'll provide the link.) The third playlist is entitled "Just say DTBF!" and...well... that's pretty much what it is!

We've posted our first DTBF story on the channel and invite you to watch it. It's entitled, "I faced My Phobia." It's a story from Jane McGinn, who lives in Manhattan and tells us how she went about overcoming her intense fear of elevators.

Remember that every one of us has DTBF stories to share. Dare To Be Fabulous is not just about women who have accomplished great things. It's about all of us facing our every day struggles and finding those moments or experiences of fulfillment in their midst. That's something we can all relate to.

DTBF!

Johanna

Brave in Ribbons

2009-12-20T11:13:00.000-08:00

"Then up rose Mrs Cratchit, Cratchit's wife, dressed out
but poorly in a twice-turned gown, but brave in ribbons,
which are cheap and make a goodly show for sixpence; and
she laid the cloth, assisted by Belinda Cratchit, second of
her daughters, also brave in ribbons … .”
Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

This is my favorite Dickens quote. I’ve always wanted to write about it because, to my knowledge, it has been inexplicably overlooked. Yet the very first time I read it, it struck me deeply. In its simplicity and seemingly throwaway description of a hardworking and stoic woman waiting cheerfully for her beleaguered husband to come home so they can begin their meager, heartfelt Christmas celebration, volumes are said about the resilience of women in general.

A twice-turned gown – meaning it the skirt, sleeves, and neckline have been rehemmed more than once to hide fraying and wear – is a testament to Mrs. Cratchit’s pride, and sense of pride in herself, that she is not defeated by the poverty and appalling working conditions that typified not only her husband Bob Cratchit's at the hands of Ebenezer Scrooge, but the conditions of workers and families in newly industrialized England itself. And, further, she adorns the gown with ribbons – cheap and pretty – that undoubtedly lifted her spirits for the celebration of the holiday that she was determined to make memorable for her family. She was indeed brave. And brave in ribbons.

I love Mrs. Cratchit. She is a minor character in A Christmas Carol, yet she epitomizes the best in women – the strength, the ability to take care of as many as need caring for in whatever situation, the ability to take charge, and the depth of the commitment they are able to show loved ones. And to occasionally look pretty while doing it all. (Which, let’s face it, makes everyone feel better.)

The year is ending. She has endured the trials and tribulations of yet another one. She is ready to celebrate. And the nicest part for me is that she has clearly even passed this on to her daughter, Belinda, “ … also brave in ribbons.”

Whatever we have been through in 2009, it’s nearly at an end. We’re still here. We’ve survived it in some fashion or other, at least for now. We tended to those we care about, and maybe even made someone happy, whether we knew it or not. We can fly our flags – our pretty ribbons of endurance. At least we should. I urge you all to just say “I did it”! It might not have been much in your eyes or the eyes of others, but I’ll bet it really was. And then put on the clothes that make you feel special, however old and worn or new and sparkly they might be.

You are brave. Now be brave in ribbons. And tell your daughters.

Patti

Photo: Hermione Baddeley, A Christmas Carol, 1951.

Fab Celeb Updates

2009-11-03T07:00:00.000-08:00

Check out our Celebrated Contributors page for an updated roster of notable women who have shared (or plan to share) their own DTBF stories. Below are some of their latest updates. (Click on their names to link to their DTBF stories!)

Ginny Lambrix

"I am now the Director of Winemaking and Viticulture at Truett Hurst. We have launched a new brand- VML- named after me and dedicated to Pinot. Very cool... And I have a nice little flock of goats and sheep... Perhaps the biggest news is that Jon and I are expecting a baby boy in February.... So lots of changes, all good. My first company picture was wearing my DTBF tee shirt!"

Mariana Tosca

Mariana just wrapped production on a documentary that she produced and stars in called “Equine Destiny” about America’s Horse Slaughter Industry and is filming the pilot for the TV series “Call to Action” which will take viewers along as she rescues slaughter-bound horses from a kill buyer feedlot and releases them onto a wild horse sanctuary. (So far in 2009, she has pulled 147 horses from slaughter pipelines throughout the US and returned them to a life of freedom.) Earlier this year, she received an Artists for Humanity award for her dedication in helping the homeless population of Los Angeles to acquire job skills helpful in alleviating their plight. In the Summer of 2010, Mariana will be producing and starring in “Earth Echoes” a theatrical production that will run as a benefit for several environmental and animal protection non-profit organizations. She is also still leading the campaign for the release of Billy the Asian elephant from the Los Angeles Zoo, as the Los Angeles Court of Appeals just granted approval to proceed with the case against the Los Angeles Zoo for abuse and neglect of the 14 elephants who have died there. Mariana was recently asked to join Dr. Jane Goodall in serving as an Advisory Board member of Save the Chimps.

Renel Brooks Moon

Renel on the mike during her last show on Kiss FM

After 25 years of hosting 98.1 KISS FM’s “Renel in the Morning,” Renel Brooks-Moon has decided to step down. The radio station hosted a party in her honor and pictures and message boards are linked on their website, linked above, for her fans to visit. Meanwhile, Renel continues to be the public announcer for the San Francisco Giants. It’s been 10 years and she’s enjoying every minute! Read a recent interview with Renel, “Off radio but still at microphone,” published in the San Francisco Chronicle on August 27th.

Jill Robinson

Jill addressing the audience at the Second China International Animal and Nature Film Festival

Jill was in Chengdu for workshop meetings and events on site, then in Southern China as an invited participant for the Second China International Animal and Nature Film Festival in Sichuan province. Her China team was invited to join the event, which recognizes local and international filmmakers. The following quote is an excerpt from Jill’s blog:

"On the last night, it was like a scene out of Hollywood, with thousands of people crowded together in a huge auditorium, together with film crews shooting for live transmission on TV. “ While on stage to hand out a documentary award, Jill used the opportunity to discuss the endangerment of sharks and pandas along with re-iterating the need for China to stop the cruel practices inflected on her beautiful moon bears. She continues in her blog, “Now, since the festival, we’ve had several fairly high-profile people in both local and international film and media asking if they can come along and visit the bears – and so the message widens and perhaps our little piece of heaven in Chengdu will convince them to do more."

Never resting, Jill then headed to Europe where she will be for another 3 weeks.

Terri Lyne Carrington

"My new CD "More To Say" is finally out after nearly 2 years in the making! I am real proud of it and hope that other folks like it too! Most of my time these days is spent chasing my 3 year old around or teaching at Berklee, as well as gigs and session, so I am busier than a one armed paper hanger! All good - I am not complaining.... Until next time...." Terri Lyne

Check out Tavis Smiley’s recent interview with Terri Lyne regarding her new CD.

Rory Freedman

Rory in her kitchen, as seen in the New York Times

Rory just returned from a two-month backpacking jaunt around Europe and has never been so inspired creatively. She's ready to get crackin' on another book---maybe even one that's fiction.

Nalini Nadkarni

Nalini speaking at the TED Conference.

"I gave a talk at the TED Conference in Long Beach this spring. It is a high-profile conference with many “idea people” who talk about their work, dreams, and accomplishments. Each talk is only 18 minutes, and it is hard to cram all the things one wants to say into that time. It has been seen by many people around the world, and nearly all of the feedback has been about people who are excited about trees and forests and trying to save them. That is very hopeful to me.

There were some good developments in terms of science outreach beyond science. Several of my projects were featured on the splash page of the National Science Foundation website. One of them was the “canopy rap” project I created, in which I hired a rap singer to accompany me and two other scientists with 40 urban youth (middle school aged) into the forest to learn about the plants and animals. The rap singer made up songs about the forest, and the kids did, too! They ended up making a CD of their songs in the sound studios of my college, and each student took home a copy of it for their friends and family.

In addition to these, I was really happy to be in the forest this summer. My family (husband and two teenage kids, Gus and Erika) took a six day backpacking trip to a remote area of the North Cascades National Park. We saw only 4 people in the six days we were there. And just last week, I took my annual solo backpacking trip to the Alpine Lakes Wilderness for six days. It was great to be out there on my own, just hiking, watching marmots, eating simple food, watching the starts, and letting my thoughts quiet and settle away from the everyday hubbub of life. But I’m glad to be back with my family and garden and work!
DTBF!
Nalini"

Ingrid Newkirk

"I’ve been on tour with my book lately. I’m asking people to consider loaning a copy to that person at work who loves dogs but who doesn’t think about other animals, that neighbor with the fur coat in the back of the closet – too embarrassed to wear it again; and that relative who insists you have “just a little” of the turkey at Thanksgiving, as well as to that wonderful kid on your block who rescues the birds fallen out of trees or who won’t cut up the frog in class. I’ve used real life stories to bring the individual animals alive and give them a voice and the book is packed with great resources, simple options, and compassionate solutions to rid our lives of the casual cruelty that wheedles its way into what we buy, eat, do and wear. I hope you take a peek and enjoy it a lot!
DTBF!

Ingrid"

Dianne Reeves

Dianne Reeves can be seen on tour throughout the rest of this year . She is also recording a new album which will be out next year. We'll announce it as soon as it's out!

Kamala Lopez

Kamala at the New York Latino International Film Festival.

"The good news is that A Single Woman won the Exceptional Merit in Media Award from the National Women's Political Caucus in DC!

Also, I am developing a TV series about girls and gangs and I wrote a related article on Huff Po about what's going on with that.
DTBF!
Kamala"

Kelly Dobbins

Kelly is currently training to compete in the NPC National Bodybuilding and Figure Championships this November.

Julia Butterfly Hill

Julia’s recent photo in the SF Chronicle.

Julia continues to inspire people to speak up, take action and make a difference in this world. Check out “Catching up with...Julia Butterfly Hill,” an article that appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle last April. Julia also continues to update on her own blog.

Class Reunion

2009-09-08T01:52:00.000-07:00

I am one of the few people I know who has never attended a high school class reunion. I can say with confidence that I probably never will. So many of us experienced such conflicting feelings of pleasure and despair in our high school years that it’s hard to believe that one would want to bring back those memories and feelings.

But years – or decades – later, would they really come back, or would seeing the people that you spent four of the most intense years of your life with only bring perspective? After all, they have become different people just like I have, with whole lives of accomplishment and growth so far beyond those seminal years. And yet we all still cling to them as one of the most defining times of our lives. Or maybe we don’t cling to them. Maybe they cling to us.

Many people had the idyllic teen years of cheerleading, homecoming, sports, dances … others experienced the fringes of arts and sciences, with no interest in sports and the social scene. All of us felt a little Catcher in the Rye at times, no doubt. All of us have grown up, had jobs, achieved some aspirations, failed at others, maintained relationships, traveled, built up new priorities, left old ones behind … as different as we were then we are all even more different now. And in that, have more in common than we ever did.

I gotta say – I’ve held up ok for my age. But I have a fantasy in my head that I still look a certain way and a certain age. If I saw old classmates of my same age face-to-face with clear evidence of how much time had passed, I would know how old I really am. Not that I don’t know, chronologically. I mean, it would drive home like a stake through my heart how much time had passed where I had not accomplished all I had dreamed of doing while staring out the window in freshman geometry. I don’t think I want that reminder.

Hearing former classmates talk about their children would remind me that I had forgotten to have some of my own. I guess you can’t always get everything on your to-do list done. Some stuff just slips by the wayside. I wonder what other things would crop up that I would realize I’d forgotten to do.

A visit to the prison-like brick building actually surrounded by a moat (the city’s canal) would likely give me a case of delirium tremens. The smelly gym with the sadistic gym teachers and communal showers. The basketball court – the scene of innumerable hideous pep rallies . (This was pre-Title 9 and sports were almost exclusively “for boys only.” Pep rallies had the air of sending our knights or gladiators out to battle while we girls waved our lace hankies in farewell.) The choir room, the classrooms, the lockers. All the places where many a Greek tragedy or comedy (complete with the chorus) played itself out. All looking so much smaller and pathetically less significant. And yet still wielding so much power.

I am making it sound like I had marginalized myself during my high school years. I was actually in the thick of almost everything. Committees, plays, speech competitions, honor roll, choir, yearbook, powder-puff football, Girls’ State … . But it was almost like I was a separate person watching myself doing those things. Playing the game while my psyche stood by and observed . This was just something to get through, to survive, so I could get on to the next and more exciting thing. Preferably where no one knew me and I could start over completely fresh and invent myself anew without all the baggage of spending 12 years in one public school system where everyone knew everyone else and left no room for anyone to play a different role than the one already assigned . All in stone. For eternity.

If I go back, I am that person again. The one who wasn’t herself. The one who was too scared to be herself in case she wouldn’t fit in. Or … maybe I should just get over myself already!!!

DTBF!

Patti

Photo: Romy and Michele's High School Reunion, 1997

"We did it!"

2009-07-10T12:31:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, my friend Cara and I would share our dreams and enthusiastically coach each other into believing them into truth. We concurred that thinking of our dreams as having already happened and speaking of them in the past tense, telling each other stories about what had already occurred, was one way to take them further into manifestation. Thus was borne our mutual and enthusiastic cheer, "We did it!" We would say this to each other whenever we parted. When my family moved away at the end of my junior year, we gave each other silver bracelets with the phrase engraved on top and our names on the back.

Sometimes, I wondered if telling each other stories and using the past tense might not be such a positive exercise. I wondered if perhaps it was simply a case of two girls descending further into the Lala land of our imaginations ... and further away from a focus on 'reality.' Now, however, I realize there was something to it. There's a lot to be said for moving into belief. (Mind you, I'm also an actress and Lala Land was exactly where I ended up. So hey, maybe it worked!)

There are many ways to affirm the vision of one's future. Affirmations, in general, tend to get a little ridiculed, though there's certainly nothing wrong with the idea of feeding yourself positive statements throughout the course of the day. ( Frankly, the negative ones seem to come all too naturally for most people.) Remember Al Franken's alter ego Stuart Smalley on Saturday Night Live? Think on that. He is now the U.S. senator from Minnesota. "He's good enough, he's smart enough, and doggone-it, people like him!"

Some life coaches will tell you, when you want to realize something in your life, get very specific on how you want that to look. See it in your head. Affirm it constantly. I don't tend to set my sights on results. For me, it's the journey that I want to affirm. (That probably comes from how I grew up, moving from country to country and never knowing how long I'd be in one place.) My feeling is we're always in the journey. Right? We may experience temporary bliss upon having achieved a goal, but then, we're back into the journey almost instantly. There is no there there. So given this, I want to affirm a joyous and fulfilling journey. A journey that leads to many wonderful surprises and discoveries. A journey filled with love and laughter. A journey where my inner being feels whole and at peace. In fact, I actually like not knowing exactly where I'm going. I like to steer myself as best I can, but then, I want to stay open and let the rest reveal itself. I even do this when I go on a hike. I don't like to look at the peak ahead and factor in the distance between us. I know it's there and I know that's where I'll be eventually, but unless I need to look at a map or factor in the course of my path, I like to be in the moment and experience the unfolding of the journey. Then, I'll look back and see the course behind me. I'm better at that. It's a known and experienced entity.

Now, positive thinking, that's something we all could use. I made an affirmation tape for myself years ago, when I was living in L.A. I would listen to it in the car on the way to and from auditions. The affirmations I chose for myself were based on the general themes of creative fulfillment, health, happiness and love. I used the first person and the present tense and affirmed all the qualities of a life that I wanted to fully realize. I listened to that tape on my way to meet with a top commercial agent in L.A. and I felt really upbeat when I met her. She signed me on. I listened to that tape on the way to a Star Trek audition and I remember feeling really grounded, really connected, when I waited to read. Later that day, they called to tell me I got the role.

Mind you, there were many more days and many more car trips to audition after audition after audition that I didn't land and there were days when I couldn't bring myself to listen to that damn tape again. It bored me. It was repetitive and it felt ridiculous and I told myself that it didn't work. But I forced myself to listen anyway, thinking of it as if I was going to the gym; it was my daily mental and emotional exercise. By exercising my brain this way, I allowed myself to default to a more positive place on a more frequent basis. And that could only help me in the long run.

Affirmations can be created in a number of ways. From the positive statements we repeat to ourselves each day, to the visualizations of something we want in our future, or even to using the present tense to talk about these things as if they've already happened. Positive thinking is always a good idea. After all, it beats telling ourselves we're not good enough, we aren't liked and problems are all that await us. I say bring 'em on.

Check out the Marianne Williamson quote on our story submission page. I love that one. And by the way, consider writing something for us while you're there! Check out our guidelines. Believe me: You all dare to be fabulous every day.

DTBF!

Johanna

Goodbye to Simon Chaitowitz

2009-06-01T06:13:00.000-07:00

Almost a month and a half ago, we lost one of our great contributors and supporters to complications stemming from treatments for breast cancer.

Simon Chaitowitz was a dear friend to both Johanna and me and someone who continually kept the wind under the sails for many. Rather than writing about her on this site immediately after her passing, Johanna and I both felt the need to sit with this one for a bit and just absorb what the loss of Simon meant to both of us.

Simon was an enabler in the very best sense of the word. Though a brilliant thinker and writer herself, she was forever excited about what others were doing to make the world a better place – especially for animals, women, and the environment. She provided encouragement for any and all projects of her friends and colleagues. She was completely nonjudgmental and saw only the best in everyone. Simon was a great cheerleader for Dare To Be Fabulous as well. It meant a lot to us that such an incredible person and writing talent would take the time for us, especially at such a challenging point in her life.

Johanna and I have both known Simon for years. I first met her when I was organizing a fundraising event for a sanctuary in Cameroon that took in orphaned chimpanzees – victims of that country’s brutal bush meat trade which butchered their mothers for food right in front of their infants. Desperate for volunteer help, I put out an APB and Simon answered – enthusiastic, capable, and inspired no job too small for her, including finding a babysitter for the sanctuary founder’s baby daughter. She again came through for me when I was later organizing and animal advocacy conference in Washington, D.C., a short time later. Simon and I have been both friends and colleagues since that time.

I know Johanna has similar feelings, if I may speak for her. Simon was a great champion of Johanna’s advocacy work in getting vegetarian options into professional sports arenas across the country, SoyHappy.org. And in spite of her own precarious health, she was a wealth of knowledge, encouragement, and support for both of us with our own health issues a – a side of Simon I saw manifest with many other women who were also diagnosed with cancer.

Our greatest gift from Simon was her example of living fully each day, as well as she could, no matter what. Until she could absolutely no longer manage it, she kept up her wonderful blog with stories about her treatment, her hiking and kayaking, her getaways, and beautiful photos that she took herself of the nature around her that she loved so much. She continued to publish op-eds and letters to the editor, and had a column featured in the Huffington Post a month before her death.

Simon lived more fully than many of us ever will. Her time was too short and her value to all of us great. People often say the loss of someone is untimely, but in Simon’s case it is especially true.

Simon is the second member of the DTBF family we have lost since our inception. The other is the incomparable Gretchen Wyler whom we also lost to complications from breast cancer. Both of these amazing women believed in the power of encouraging other women to be who they are and do what they were put on the planet to do, without letting the opinions of others get in their way. They were both clear in their focus, clear in their dreams, and clear in their world view. They were both immeasurably fabulous.

We miss you, Simon. Say hello to Gretchen for us.

patti

Click here to read Simon’s obituary in the Washington Post.

The Upper Hand

2009-04-07T03:02:00.000-07:00

I read a column in Time Magazine about a month ago that has since been resonating with me. The column was about how the current economic crisis has given many employers the upper hand. With unemployment numbers increasing daily, and job opportunities shrinking, individuals who still hold jobs and benefits are feeling more grateful than ever. They know that their options are limited at best, and that simply keeping a job in this market has provided them with a very fortunate circumstance. Feeling beholden to their employers, they are aiming to please at all costs.

Many employers have tightened their budgets to compensate for the economic downturn. To this end, some have had to let go of employees and/or have implemented a hiring freeze. If the business is still keeping pace, this means that existing employees are carrying more of the load than they did before the economy turned sour. They are working harder and longer hours than ever expected and they are being asked to do more than their original job description ever outlined. All this without an increase in pay, I might add. And here’s the thing: they don’t dare quit or speak up, because they don’t want to lose their jobs. They have families to feed and bills to pay.

It’s become easy to take advantage of workers, so it’s important to keep this in check. People who have jobs are willing to take on extra duties or to work extra hard because they are focused solely on the gratitude of having a paying gig in the first place. That’s how things get unbalanced. The stress level alone takes a huge toll on them. And the fact that they aren’t being assertive in a way they might’ve been before, takes a further toll on their self esteem. They may have work and they may be able to pay the bills when their neighbors can’t, but that doesn’t make it okay.

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t blame business owners for cutting back on their budgets right now. Many businesses are simply trying to stay afloat and, for the most part, they’re just trying to be pragmatic around the current circumstances. It makes absolute sense. There’s no arguing with limited funds and the prospect of a possible or likely decrease in business. However, there are temporary solutions that can be implemented to keep hard working employees fulfilled, if not at least, truly grateful.

An office I know has approached it this way. Though the staff may work long hours on some days, they’ve been granted the opportunity to come late or leave early on the days when it’s less busy. This has helped pick up their spirits significantly. They get to recoup and recharge, and their appreciation is palpable. They smile more often. They come into the office looking rejuvenated. They joyfully talk about what they were able to do with that extra time. There are other options that can be considered, too. What about extending them a few more days of vacation for this fiscal year? Or, if that isn’t viable, what about getting them gift certificates for an hour massage? After all, employers can easily write that off for next year’s taxes. And their staff will appreciate being given the opportunity to truly relax during this stressful time.

At the very least, employers should remember to give thanks. Employees are doing most of the thanking these days because they’re grateful to have a job and be spared the experience of standing in long unemployment lines. However, it’s just as vital for employers to realize when their workers are putting in that extra mile for them. Pats on the back and warm words of appreciation go a long way. Acknowledgement of the situation on both sides is key.

One thing we’re all learning as we watch the fall out of banks and auto manufacturers and investment groups is not to take anything for granted. Nothing comes with an absolute guarantee. So let’s take the time to express gratitude for what we do have, and to extend a helping hand in both directions. We’re all in this together.

I Canceled My Wedding

2009-02-13T07:56:00.000-08:00

When I was 24, I canceled my wedding ten days before it was to happen. It was dramatic and it was emotionally wrenching. For a long time, I had a hard time talking about it. Whenever it came up, people would generally be supportive or sympathetic and I’d smile slightly with appreciation, but I winced at the same time. It took over ten years to get over my feelings of shame and guilt. It took me that long to look back on my actions with any amount of objectivity or compassion.

Mark was my first boyfriend. I fell in love with him when I was a sophomore at Duke. He graduated from Duke a few years ahead of me and while he tried to figure out what he wanted to be when he grew up, he worked as a big rig driver with a local moving company called Truckin’ Movers. (I wrote about that in a previous column.) Looking back, I think he’d concur that our shared adventures on the road were the highlight of our relationship. He was adorable, odd, fun, and insightful. I was utterly in love with him.

A year after my graduation from Duke, Mark and I moved together to California, where he had been accepted to law school. At the school’s new student orientation, one of the speakers offered the depressing statistic that most couples at the onset of law school were unlikely to stay together through graduation. We looked at each other. “Not us,” we scoffed. A few months later, we got engaged.

While Mark attended law classes, I worked at a children’s theatre company. He studied diligently every night, and I attended rehearsals for roles I got in local plays. As I re-discovered creative expression through acting, Mark immersed himself in facts, logic and argument. His quirky humor and adventurous spirit gave way to a stoic and serious demeanor. I knew the rigors of law school were tough on him and I provided him with support and encouragement. Yet, I felt restless; I yearned to expand and explore. My life in the theatre arts was hard to share with Mark, because he was so immersed in studying and attending law classes. I could make excuses about our situation being temporary, but at the same time, I started thinking about the fact that he was my first and only boyfriend; that we were still young and finding our way. I loved him, but getting married suddenly felt like a bad idea.

Our wedding day was fast approaching. Plans had been made. I felt queasy, riddled with fear. He’d been my every thing for five solid years. What was I going to do? For the first time since we’d been together, I felt utterly alone, facing the world and my life head on. It was overwhelming, that thick gray fog of foreboding.

I called my mother. I beat around the bush, but she knew something was up. Eventually, I shared my feelings of apprehension. I tried to keep it light, but she detected that it went much further and she got to the heart of the matter. She made it simple and practical and real. “This is your life, Johanna,” she said. “You need to do what your heart dictates. It’ll be fine. You’ll be fine. Don’t go through with it if you’re not ready.” Her sympathetic and loving tone touched me deeply. She dared to present the option of a cancellation, as if it wasn’t a big deal. It had felt inconceivable, but with that simple declaration, I felt an opening that I knew I had to take. “It’s only money,” she said. “I think I can get deposits back, and if I don’t, it’s okay.”

I’m kind of embarrassed to admit this, but I hadn’t even thought about the deposits. These things were frankly the least of my concerns. The anxiety over my decision had nothing to do with money or with canceling scheduled plans. I barely even thought about the guests, actually. The only thing on my mind was Mark. How was I going to tell Mark. I was about to devastate the person I loved most. He was my best friend. My buddy.

Time was ticking, but every time I pushed myself to say something, I got sick to my stomach and could barely open my mouth to talk. The wedding was less than ten days away, so the pressure was overwhelming. I was swimming in so much anxiety that I couldn’t eat. No one else was going to do this for me. I had to battle my overwhelming anxiety and speak up now.

I pushed myself to speak after dinner one night. My entire body was shaking, but I pretended to be calm. “How are you feeling about the wedding?” I asked, when we were washing dishes. I was hoping he’d give me an easy out. “Fine,” he replied matter-of-factly. He looked at me. “Why?” he asked. I felt woozy. I wanted to just stop and take a really deep breath, but I continued to control my voice and sound calm. “Oh, I guess I’m just having those feelings people talk about.” From there it went. Second by agonizing second. “What feelings?” he asked. Oh God. “You know, second thoughts. Fear. Haven’t you had any?” I tried to ask innocently. “No,” he said. He couldn’t be making this any more difficult. I realized this was the moment when I had to pounce right in. Everything was out of sorts inside me, but a panicked conviction took over. It felt like NOW OR NEVER. I honestly don’t recall what I said. It’s like when you’re in an accident and you don’t remember the moment of impact. I remember rambling and mumbling and trying to temper my beating heart. He finally asked me the question: “Do you want to call it off?” It was a feeling of absolute relief, hearing the out I’d been wanting. This is when my memory kicks back in. Like the moment after the accident, when you “come to.” “Yeah,” I said, shaking, crying, apologetic.

He was calm. He did not get angry or turn inside himself and brood, which was more common for him. Remarkably, his focus was on my own well-being. I guess my agony was palpable.

We stayed up all night. It felt like we were on a hallucinogenic drug or living in a twilight zone. Our emotions were raw. We talked, we cried, we chain smoked, we held each other. When I finally fell asleep just before dawn, Mark stayed up. I awoke a few hours later to see him kneeling before me with a breakfast tray holding a five-page letter, a plate of food, and flowers. In the letter, Mark expressed his deep love for me and beckoned for me to give him another chance. It was like beauty and pain blended in a horrible and exhilarating cocktail. The horrible feeling of knowing this man loved me so much, and the awareness that I was still going to call it off, was horrid. And you talk about courage. His letter was an act of love that I will never forget.

We separated for a while and eventually broke up. I moved to L.A. and started to make my living as an actor. He graduated and got hired as an Assistant D.A. in Palm Desert. Yet, we missed each other. We’d each seen other people and hadn’t found that connection. We began talking on the phone. After a few months, we began to visit each other on the weekends. Then, over the phone one night, he joked about becoming engaged again, and in a careless moment, I agreed. When I landed the role of Catherine in “A View from the Bridge” at Palm Springs Playhouse, I moved in with him. Yet there we were again; him in his world of proof and precedent, me in my world of creativity and catharsis. We had simply grown apart; we were moving in completely different directions. What we had in common, was our past.

The magic days of college and who we once were together was never going to come back. We called off our hasty second engagement and broke up; this time, we knew, for good. I moved back to L.A. and Mark started a private practice in San Bernardino. We stayed friends and talked on the phone. I didn’t say much about the guys I was seeing, but he’d share stories about the woman he was dating. I wanted him to be happy. I still felt shame and guilt for what I’d done.

When I found out that Mark and his girlfriend had eloped, I could physically feel the load of guilt lift from my shoulders. It happened on my birthday, too. I don't know that there was the slightest consciousness around that for him, but I couldn't help but feel it was somehow appropriate. Now, I felt like I could talk about that canceled wedding all those years ago. I was older now and many of my friends were married. What took me by surprise was how many of them said, “I wish I’d done that.” It was a revelation to me. I realized that it did take great courage; that it had been a pre-emptive strike. They were patting me on the back for something they wished they’d done themselves.

People will still pat me on the back when I tell them that I canceled a wedding. I do not regret the decision, but it’s nothing I care to celebrate. I learned a hard lesson. To thine own self be true; even when it’s excruciatingly hard and even, painful. I’ve grown a lot from that experience and I can tell you this: it’s worth it.

Sola

2009-01-08T19:52:00.000-08:00

I just traveled by myself in Spain for a few days – Catalunya – on my way to a destination wedding of a good friend (see her DTBF story here). Not sure what I was thinking, but not having anyone else to go with, and never having been to Barcelona before, I just figured what the hey, spend four or five days exploring alone.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, and like less of a good idea as the trip got closer. I had been alone in Paris before, but that was years ago, and I wasn’t sure I still had the naïve confidence that you have in your 20s that all will be well.

My Spanish being far from flowing, and my Catalan even further from flowing (I’m happy to say I kind of grasp that lovely language a bit now, if only on signage) I got more and more worried as the trip grew closer that I was bound for disaster.

Hearing nothing but “Senorita, cuidado con su bolsa,” as soon as I landed, I was fairly convinced that, while headed to my perfect, Gaudi’-themed hotel just off the noisy, texture-y La Rambla, both my wallet and passport would be stolen immediately and I would spend the rest of the trip at the American Embassy. Paranoia set in. I’m a girl. I’m alone. I’m small. My purse is big and shiny. I’m an idiot.

After a nap and the realization that I had not spent all this money to nap in a hotel room (as attractive as that sounded), I headed out just before dark to explore. Oh, yes, and on the way, I asked the desk clerk for a better room with a better view (hey, the DTBF instinct was finally kicking in!).

It was getting dark and beginning to rain. And it was cold. And the holiday lights were blindingly beautiful. I walked and walked until exhausted and settled in for hot thick chocolate at Café Zurich on the Placa Catalunya – a place that hummed with life and excitement . Now, find a place for dinner – vegetarian paella (a total myth that it’s hard to be a vegetarian in Spain, as much as people would like you to believe that), salad, lovely wine, and lovelier coffee. I struck up a conversation with a British/Pakistani couple at the next table who had just gotten married and were on their wedding trip. Suddenly I was glad I was alone. I could talk to anyone. Go anywhere, not wait for someone else’s preferences.

Now for more walking. It was getting late by U.S. standards, but Spanish time actually suits my own body clock much better. Still cold, still some rain. Big discovery. On practically every corner in Barcelona is an Irish pub. Gotta love the Irish for spreading the joy! It was comforting to sit at a warm, cozy bar watching soccer/football and talking to the Dublin ex-pat bartender who was generous with the vodka. I envied her for following her impulse to uproot herself from one beautiful city to live and work in another beautiful city for awhile in another country. Would I be able to do that?

Chatted with an Englishman on vacation from his job in Japan who was just coming from his sister’s wedding. (Hmmm… is December the month of weddings in Europe? This December certainly seemed to be.) It was odd and interesting to talk to someone from the U.K. while sitting in a bar in Spain, hearing his opinions on the economic situation in the U.S. from the framework of his job in Japan. Will I ever be able to have a world view with such multiple perspectives? I really hope so.

The days progressed as I slogged my exhausted but dazzled way through the city, enraptured by the rich architecture of Gaudi’ and Gehry, and then it was on to a midweek trip up to the mystical and magical monastery of Monserrat (okay, all that alliteration was completely unintentional). A bus tour was necessary to do this excursion, as the monastery is so high up in the mountains (god, the view!) with narrow switchback roads. Three of us traveling solo, along with the half-dozen couples, inevitably clumped together by time we reached the mountain top – an Australian music teacher, a Canadian taking a long break after selling his business, and me from the U.S.

We heard the boys choir sing, marveled at the amazing basilica, touched the Black Madonna and made our three wishes to her, admired the view and the multitude of monastery cats, lit candles to the virgin, took in the monks’ unbelievable art and artifact collection (ancient Torahs, Egyptian artifacts, Russian icons, and actual Caravaggio, plus Dali, Picasso, Miro’, Cocteau, Chagall – unbelievable), and drank rich and yummy coffee while overlooking the misty valley. And then, sadly, it was time to head down the mountain and back to secular civilization.

My usual, cautious, guarded, self-protective attitude was undergoing a change. I was becoming mas abierto to my fellow humans and travelers. Something that would likely not have occurred if I had been travelling with a friend. Here, I had no choice. I had to trust – I had to … just enjoy.

Realizing we all were staying in and around Las Ramblas, my two Montserrat friends and I reconnected that evening for a classical guitar concert by a Segovia Award-winning artist at a beautiful church in the Gothic quarter that one of them had heard about. And, of course, more hot chocolate after. The next morning, I joined the music teacher for a tour of the Liceu, Barcelona’s stunning opera house, adorned with the beautiful golden dragons that are the symbol of the city. It was such a great experience to have encountered someone just at random who would enjoy touring an opera house as much as I did. I don’t think any of my friends would have been as up for that as we were. So another bonus for traveling alone and letting myself be open.

Off to Els Quatre Gats, the famous café where Picasso, Dali, Utrillo, Casas, Albeniz, Granados, and other famous Catalan and Spanish artists and musicians sat for hours talking about setting the world right. I love that it is named The Four Cats. Just sitting alone, drinking it in, hoping some of that artist magic would rub off on me, I accidentally ordered something that had once been alive and came with its head still attached. Slightly freaked, but not wanting to make a fuss, I pushed the plate away and drank my water. The aristocratic and elegant maitre d’, whom I first thought had the arrogant manner of gatekeeper to Barcelona’s artists, noticed and asked me if all was well, and why was I not eating? I apologized and said I was sure it was not the chef, it was me -- I was vegetariana. He told me not to worry and a few moments later brought back a plate which he set before me, saying “No carne, no pescado” smiled and departed. I was touched by his kindness and quick grasp of my situation in such a busy restaurant at such a busy time of day.

Other encounters, other gifts from the universe continued to come my way as I remained open and curious about every stranger around me, setting aside my usual business-like and focused travel agenda. Fabulousness was happening as I gave it space to happen, all the while being cuidado con mi bolsa, of course!
By the time I had trekked by bus and taxi further up the magnificent Costa Brava to LlaFranc, I was definitely in the mood for a party and for meeting all the wonderful people from all over Spain and England that came together to celebrate our good friends’ wedding. The happiest of times filled with the happiest of people in a beautiful place. (Another story for another time.)

It reminded me that daring to be fabulous requires being more open than is always comfortable. A bit more trusting in the universe and in others. We shut down so gradually to protect ourselves in our daily lives – or at least I do – that we don’t even realize it’s happening. I know I didn’t realize it had happened to me.

I fully intend to hold onto that curious openness I regained travelling by myself to a place where everyone was a stranger and a potential friend. If I can do it there, I can do it at home. There are always adventures to be had, no matter where you are. In fact, I just accepted an invitation to waltz at the French Embassy tomorrow night. The adventure continues … .

Patti

'tis the season

2008-12-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

Season's Greetings! Isn't it lovely to see all those lights? Patti and I agree that Christmas lights are probably our favorite decorations. They're festive and bright and twinkly. Quiet and radiant. I love them.

Christmas marketing started awfully early this year. It was really disturbing to see Christmas advertising before Halloween. Aren't Christmas festivities supposed to officially begin the day after Thanksgiving? Can't we just celebrate one holiday at a time here? Undoubtedly, the state of our financial markets helped to dictate the early campaign to push consumers to BUY BUY BUY. It's just disappointing. The emphasis on consumerism and that push to purchase has been out of control for a long time. The sad thing, in my opinion, is that people are literally buying into it. They're buying the notion that purchasing is the key to creating happiness. That getting someone that hot new product or that expensive item, is the most emphatic way to say "I love you." I ponder how it used to be, before credit cards were the norm. The simplicity of it all. The real connection between what we could afford and what we purchased. But those days ended a long time ago...and now, look at the mess we've gotten ourselves into.

A friend recently said that he wasn't going to let the push for purchasing ruin his holiday spirit. He loves Christmas and he loves celebrating this season, and he said he was going to make it his own, regardless of incessant TV advertising or the early onset of merchandisers' holiday music. He didn’t want capitalist pushers to mar his spirits. I think this is the key for all of us. Plus, we can all relate to that sense of social pressure during the holiday season. It doesn't matter what religion we may practice or whether we purchase each other gifts. It's that whole sappy notion that is somehow driven into us that we're SUPPOSED to be festive and happily family-focused during this season. Unfortunately, that notion backfires and often creates an opposite effect: melancholy, because the truth is, it often doesn't pan out that way.

If you’re among those that are feeling that pressure this season, don’t let it get you down. Remember that the true spirit of the season is about love and peace and charity. There are plenty of individuals out there that have tragic family histories, or at the very least, truly dysfunctional families. (We hear that term all the time and wonder what functional is supposed to look like, right?) It's not about pretending that your family is where it’s at. Or buying things you can't afford and making yourself miserable with the debt later. My friend is right. Celebrate the season your own way. Allow yourself to bask in whatever makes you feel happy and warm and fuzzy. Know that you are loved and allow yourself to bask in the glow of that feeling. Surround yourself with those that bring out your sense of gratitude. And while you’re at it, donate what you can, be it time or money, to a cause you support.

BTW. Our Guest Column this month features a greeting from Anne Made Cards. There’s still time to get greeting cards if you haven’t already. Her cards are fabulous. Check it out!

Peace on Earth. Good will to women. And all those that love them. :)

DTBF!
Johanna

Election 2008

2008-11-10T03:50:00.000-08:00

Patti: I can't believe the day has finally come and gone. It seems like it took so LONG to get here - election day! Johanna and I couldn't let this pass without some sort of mention, so we thought we'd talk to each other here in this column about our impressions from both coasts -- East and West!

Johanna: My mother, who is 82 years old, told me that it reminded her of when Kennedy won. The jubilation, the sense of hope. She said she’d forgotten how that felt until Obama won on Tuesday. She noted how he’s inspired so many young people and how Kennedy did the same thing. “John and Jackie are coming back to the White House,” a friend of hers said yesterday.

Patti: You know, I thought about that. I was pretty small at the time, but I remember how people talked about it. I gotta say, it was pretty exciting that people were spontaneously celebrating in front of the White House -- totally unprecedented! I can't believe I didn't hop in the car myself and head on down there, but I had to catch an early flight the next morning -- god, I'm lame! (But still working on fabulous!) As it was, I was up until after 1 a.m. listening to speeches -- how could you not? What a historical moment. I definitely envied you West-coasters, though, who were getting it in prime time!

Johanna: It was truly FABULOUS. I watched the election coverage at a friend’s house, with about ten other people. We were tuned into Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. When Stewart just announced that Obama had won, we jumped out of our seats cheering and clapping. We heard some cheers coming from outside the house and went outside on the landing to see other families coming out of their homes and cheering. When Henri and I drove home to Berkeley, all cars on the road were honking in joy and when we finally got into bed later that night, we could hear the cheers of UC Berkeley students, who had poured into the streets. In fact, a Cal freshman that I know told me that she was getting into bed in her dorm room at around 11 p.m. and when she found out fellow students were headed out, she said, “This is a once in a lifetime opportunity,” and joined them. I’ll attach a snapshot she took on Telegraph Ave. at midnight.

Patti: This election wore me out. As I get older, the negativity takes more and more of a toll. But when I went to vote --which, let's face it, had a slightly different feel to it this time than in elections past with the huge turnout -- I felt like I was honoring all the women who came before me and made it possible for me to be standing in that line at all. They defined fabulous, and they endured some of the most humiliating and dehumanizing treatment imaginable --incarceration in jails and insane asylums, starvation and force feeding, beating, you name it.

I just feel I have to talk about the suffragists here. I don't want people (women, especially) to forget their bravery and how much they put themselves at risk for all of us women to have the vote. If I voted for no other reason, it would be that. And please don't call them suffragettes! That was a derogatory term made to diminish them and make them seem less consequential. just silly little girls. I'll get off my soapbox now, but I did want to talk about that and give them the recognition they deserve.

Don't get me wrong - I'm good with the way the election turned out, but I can't wait until our president is a woman, though!

Johanna: Very good points. It’s so important to remember our history as a gender, because it can be taken for granted. I think about Gloria Steinem or Betty Friedan. I think about the fact that women’s rights was considered “radical.” We still have a ways to go, mind you, but it’s thanks to women like that, who were willing to stand up to what was conventional and accepted, and to rock the boat, if you will. I fight complacency. I try every day to remember all that happened before my time and all the energy and sacrifice that others made, in order for my way of life today to even be possible. I try to fight my own fights in the same way, remembering that though the causes may not be understood in today’s conventional society, there’s a bigger picture here. Rights and equality and compassion for all. That’s the bottom line. But don’t get me on MY soapbox! My goodness.

This election gave hope back to people who lost it, or more, never even had it in the first place. Did you know that 69% of first time voters in this election, voted for Obama?

Patti: That's pretty great! When do we get to start calling him Barry, like Michelle does? :) Sorry -- I felt the need to lighten this up all of a sudden. Hey, did I tell you I wrote myself in for State Board of Education? I just didn't really like the people running, and Washington, D.C. schools are in a heck of a state. I figured I could do at least as well! DTBF! It felt kind of fun and empowering -- I don't know why it had never occurred to me before. Maybe you can manage my campaign next time and I can make an official run!

Johanna: I love it! I told a few people about that. I think that was a wonderful idea. Patti for Board of Ed! BTW. Before we get off the women and politics subject, two sites I suggest to check out. I’ll refrain from describing them to keep the text short here. Definitely worth a click! What’s Your Point, Honey? and A Single Woman (we’ve mentioned that one a few times. A film directed and produced by our DTBF sister, Kamala Lopez.)

Patti: I'm glad you included those links, thanks! By the way ... I know all of you have voted in different ways for different things this election, and some things went your way and some things didn't. It's pretty much the same for all of us, I guess, and a little painful when we are voting with our hearts. I feel sad that gay marriage didn't fare well in a few states, among other issues. I was thrilled with Prop 2 out there in California, though, right, Johanna? That must have been pretty thrilling to live in a state that is saying yes to humane treatment of animals -- and "yes" by a landslide! You must be pretty proud! And Question 3 in Massachusetts! The cruel sport of greyhound racing will be a thing of the past next year in that state! Those are just a couple of the things I'm happy about.

All in all, I'd say I'm feeling more optimistic now than I have in a long time -- I think people daring to be fabulous is making a difference -- standing up for beliefs that we thought wouldn't have even have had a shot a few years ago. That reminds me -- if you have an election day related story to share, please send it to us! Maybe we'll include them on the site! I can honestly say that in the long time I have been voting, I've never heard so many people say in different ways how empowered they felt. So share your story with us!

Johanna: Proposition 2 was a big victory in California. Residents of this state were given the opportunity to declare that the treatment of factory farmed animals matters, despite what the industry standards might be. Unfortunately, most people are unaware of the reality of the suffering that is endured, so there was some satisfaction in seeing the ads that showed even the tiniest glimpse of that world to people who never realized this was the case. I do want to say one more thing about this, before we close on this column. I’ve heard a few individuals actually compare Prop 2 with Prop 8, expressing their disappointment that animals got the vote when gays didn’t. I am befuddled by this comparison. Why must they be opposed to one another at all?

I think this year’s election and Obama’s victory has already become one of those “where were you when?” stories. I’d love to receive stories about your election day experiences. Post them as a comment below this column, or if you want to expand on them, perhaps as a DTBF story submission of your own!

Patti: I don't know what to say about that comparison, Johanna. Yes, I do. It's never Fabulous to wish that, because you were not treated kindly, that someone else who did receive a kindness shouldn't have been able to receive it in the face of your own disappointment. It is just. not. cool. And Johanna, I totally agree with you. I think people will be telling stories for a long time about where they were, what they were doing, who they were with on election night. Except me. i was being too dull at home in my jammies.

I'd like to say just one more thing before wrapping this up. If any of you have volunteered on any campaign doing the hard work of phone banking, door hanging, or whatever, or worked on any election as a poll worker or on a GOTV effort -- you have looked around and saw that the great majority of those doing this work were WOMEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Women ... make... it ... happen. I just had to say that. It's true.

Johanna: Amen, sister. Or rather, Awomen! We’ll wrap it up on that note and look forward to your stories!

D.C. Screening Oct.30

2008-10-20T09:18:00.000-07:00

This invitation comes from our DTBF sister Kamala Lopez, the producer and director of "A Single Woman," a film adaptation of the successful stage play about the life of Jeannette Rankin, America's first Congresswoman and co-founder of the American Civil Liberties Union (A.C.L.U.).

Read Kamala's DTBF story, "Picture Perfect," in our Guest column.

DTBF!
Johanna

Fab Contributor Update

2008-10-04T08:42:00.001-07:00

Patti and I are very proud and supportive of the women we feature in our guest columns each month. We've already compiled quite a beautiful array of stories and are excited to be adding more inspiring, funny, touching, and daring stories to our roster. To continue our celebration of these fabulous women, we will be posting ongoing contributor updates in this column.

Our October columnist, Kamala Lopez ("Picture Perfect") is a film-maker and actress who just completed an important and inspiring film about America's first congresswoman, peace activist, and co-founder of the American Civil Liberties Union, Jeannette Rankin, entitled, "A Single Woman." In our blurb last month, we noted that Congressman Dennis Kucinich had offered to host a congressional screening of her film.

The film will be screening at the Capitol Building on October 30th and Kamala is working hard to prepare for this event. Funds are running low after paying for hotel rooms for her production team and sending out invitations to 535 congressional offices. Kamala would love to get sponsors and donors. We are putting a shout out to the DTBF community and inviting you to contact her if you'd like to lend her your support. Please check out the film's website (above) and contact Kamala if you'd like to help.

Gloria Steinem's Op-Ed piece on Sarah Palin was also linked in our last column. We're indulging by sharing that link here again. (Gloria's DTBF story will be featured at a later date!)

Continuing with the political theme, Granny D just gave a speech in Wisconsin on Sept. 6. She's 97 years old, folks, and she's still going strong in her pursuit to change politics as we know it. Her big issue? Campaign finance reform. Read Granny D's DTBF story, an excerpt from her book, "Walking Across America in my 90th Year."

Julia Butterfly Hill ("Heart") started a blog earlier this year. It's subtitled, "Thoughts, Experiences, Feelings and Photos from Julia Butterfly Hill." Read her blog and post your comments!

Dianne Reeves ( ("Talking to the Devil") has a new album of love songs entitled, "When You Know." Watch an excerpt from Dianne's recent BBC appearance.

Michelle Shocked is going on a concert tour in the U.K. in November. She will be in the U.S. of A. in January, 2009. (Michelle's DTBF story will be featured at a later date.)

Terri Lyne Carrington( "Full Circle.") is performing with her own jazz group, appropriately called the Terri Lyne Carrington Group, and their next gig will be at the Kennedy Center in Washington, D.C. on October 18th.

Celebrating her 50th birthday last month was Renel Brooks-Moon ( "Finding My Voice."). She celebrated in style with Bay Area VIP's at her home away from home, San Francisco's AT&T Park. You can link to a photo gallery from the birthday bash on her website.

Jill Robinson ( "Her Name was Hong") is continuing the arduous and vital work of helping the animals after China's recent earthquake. She is working diligently and needs our help. You can support her efforts by donating to her organization, Animals Asia.

As we add fabulous women to our DTBF contributor roster, our updates will continue to come.

DTBF!
Johanna

Yay Area Sisterhood

2008-09-06T10:01:00.000-07:00

This month, we are featuring a story from Kelly Dobbins, an award winning amateur bodybuilder. Kelly also happens to be my personal trainer. She has a gym, appropriately called, Kelly’s Gym, and I see her every week for my one-on-one training.

Along with Kelly, there are several other personal trainers who work at her gym. All of them women; all of them fabulous. Her gym is used solely for individual training, so it’s an intimate environment and when several trainers are working with clients at the same time, there’s a wonderful sense of community and sisterhood. Everyone is introduced to one another and there is always plenty of laughter coming out of that gym. People place their cards on Kelly’s desk at the entrance, and referrals are often given there. I don’t believe that Kelly ever needs to advertise and there’s a good reason for that. She often mentions that she feels blessed to have her gym and the fantastic women that work with her there, training members of the community, sharing their stories, and inspiring each other to stay strong; in more ways than one.

It’s this kind of sisterhood that feeds my spirit on a daily basis. If I don’t get it from Kelly and her gym, I get it from my chiropractor, Betsey Carpenter, or my massage therapist, Cara, or from my hair stylist...and all the women I meet each day in the course of going about my work. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to relish the nourishment that comes from these connections and conversations. There’s an understanding there; a common ground. Simply as women, living in this beautiful San Francisco Bay Area, going through the stuff of life, be it mundane or significant. I find solace in that.

I know it’s the same with Patti in D.C., as it is for my friends Jane in New York and Donna in Portland. That connection with other women in our community can be profound. It’s an unforced network of spiritual exchange. Even in its simplicity and every-day nature. It reminds us of what we have in common and helps bring levity and a little laughter into our lives.

BTW. Kelly's offering free consultations to Dare To Be Fabulous referrals. Give her a call! (510) 601-5432.

DTBF!
Johanna

Fab Links, Fab Updates

2008-09-06T10:00:00.000-07:00

Contributor updates: (links are underlined)

Gloria Steinem’s* Op-Ed piece about Sarah Palin, the nominated Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, appeared in the Los Angeles Times on September 4th.

Kamala Lopez’s* film, A Single Woman, has been generating some great buzz. What a time for a film about America’s first Congresswoman, and peace activist, to hit the screens! From the website:

“A Single Woman is a film adaptation of the successful stage play about the life of Jeannette Rankin, America’s first Congresswoman and co-founder of the American Civil Liberties Union. Suffragist, peace activist, and reformer, Jeannette changed the American political landscape forever. Unabashedly political, occasionally chilling, and entirely unique, A Single Woman illuminates the role of the individual in the American legislative process.”

Congressman Dennis Kucinich has arranged for this movie to be screened at the Capitol in Washington, D.C.

* Gloria and Kamala are confirmed DTBF contributors whose stories will appear at a later date.

Anne Singer (“Of Men and a Machine”) has launched her own communications consulting business. She landed one of her clients a guest spot on The Colbert Report last week. Congratulations, Annie!

And an unrelated fun link, just because:

I received this link and just have to pass it on. It’s wonderful and totally uplifting (4.5 minutes long.) Check it out: “Where the hell is Matt?” Makes you wanna do a silly dance, it does!

DTBF!

Johanna

Dancing on the Rooftop

2008-08-09T08:24:00.000-07:00

Image: "Dauphine," by Teresa Moore.

I danced on my roof tonight. Yes , I actually did.
I live in a nine-story building. A lovely generous person plants that roof each summer with a beautiful potted garden – it’s a place I always think when I am there, “why don’t I come up here more often?”
This afternoon it rained hard – thunder and lightening, diminishing to a soft sprinkle that left the evening air cool and fresh, and perfect for reading on the rooftop. My book, The Artist’s Way, by Julia Cameron, was striking cords in my psyche left and right. The view – a gorgeous panorama of all of Washington, D.C., its trees and monuments and houses and churches. The air was clean and fresh. I was sore but relaxed from an earlier intensive dance workout.
Then it hit me. The urge. To dance. On the rooftop.
“No, I can’t, someone might see.”
“It’s dusk. And no one is looking all the way up here.”
“Someone looking out the window in the next building might see.”
“Then they’ll be entertained. For free.”
“No, I can’t. I should read.”
“OK, go ahead then. Read.”
I kept reading. But my legs and body protested and yearned to move in that cool, fresh air, over that wide expanse of open, rain-puddled space, among the pots hibiscus and lantana, way up high over the city, over George Bush and Dick Cheney, and high gas prices cellulite and everything else.
I danced. Flamenco, modern, jazz. It didn’t last long, but I did it. I’d get all poetic and tell you how fabulous it felt – wind in hair, open arms, blah, blah, blah – but we both know that would be crap. Well, it was kind of fabulous, actually, but also silly and a little embarrassing. And fun. And it really did feel good. If I had been five years old I wouldn’t have given it a second thought. So why would I now? Exactly. We should just dance if we freaking feel like it. Damn it.
I’m going to do it again. I’ll let you know how it goes.

DTBF!
Patti

Three Cheers for Dara Torres!

2008-07-09T08:03:00.000-07:00

What about 41-year-old swimmer Dara Torres beating women half her age and qualifying for her fifth Olympic Games? Dara is the mother of a two-year-old girl. She's undergone several surgeries in the past year; a rotator cuff surgery in November and several surgeries on her knee. The last one was only five weeks ago. Yet, there she was this past weekend, not only winning the qualifying 50 and 100 meter freestyle finals, but beating her own times in the 100 freestyle from her Olympic swims in 1984 and 2000. She holds the world record for the 100 backstroke, too. Talk about an inspiration.

(The photo included here is from USA Today, taken two years ago. That's Dara with her daughter, Tessa.)

"A Swimmer of a Certain Age" appeared in the New York Times Magazine on June 29th, before she won her qualifying races this past weekend.

Of course, there are cynics who believe that she has to be doping in order to win like that, at her age. Undoubtedly, those claims will surface throughout the media in the months to come. A feature in the Austin-American Statesman appeared on Monday, addressing these claims and her responses. The article is entitled, "41-year-old Olympic swimmer: Too good to be true?" It mentions that Dana categorically denies doping, continually offering to be tested anywhere, at anytime, for anything, in order to prove her point. An excerpt:

"As part of the new USADA program, Project Believe, she's one of about a dozen athletes who gets blood and urine taken at any time. Sometimes she's asked to go to the nearest lab. 'It's a pain,' she said. 'But I asked for this and I want to prove that I'm clean, so to me it's worth it."

We'll keep watching Dara in Beijing and wish her fabulous success!

DTBF!
Johanna

DTBF requests your generosity for one of our own

2008-06-11T07:39:00.000-07:00

A Dare To Be Fabulous sister, Jill Robinson, founder of Animals Asia, is at ground zero in Chengdu, China, helping survivors of that horrendous earthquake that killed tens of thousands and left millions homeless. Read Jill's story here

Jill's famous moon bear sanctuary, situated in Chengdu, miraculously escaped the devastation caused by the earthquake, and I'm happy to say that Jill, the staff, and the bears were uninjured. But Jill feverishly continuing with rescue efforts to help the people and animals in surrounding villages, which is desperately straining the financial resources of the sanctuary. Please read the moving report below from Animals Asia, log on to Animals Asia, and donate as generously as you can.

We send our thoughts and prayers to Jill -- please let her know that the Dare To Be Fabulous sisterhood is supporting her.

Patricia Howard & Johanna McCloy

We need your help urgently!

It's now almost three weeks since the devastating earthquake hit Sichuan in China and the full horror of the tragedy is really hitting home. As many as 90,000 people could have died in the quake and its aftershocks, which are still causing panic throughout the province. More than 365,000 people are injured, many of them also losing their homes and livelihoods.Animals Asia is extremely fortunate and grateful that no staff or animals at our Moon Bear Rescue Centre in Chengdu were hurt, but we too are facing a difficult time. We are in urgent need of donations to deal with two emergencies arising from the earthquake. First we are racing against time to rescue dogs and cats from a town in northern Sichuan, where the authorities have ordered a cull of all companion animals; and second, we need to rebuild four of the buildings at our sanctuary.

Four of our main buildings, including the big office and accommodation blocks have been so badly damaged that they will need to be completely rebuilt at a cost of hundreds of thousands of US dollars. A fifth building needs repairs. Initially, onsite staff (who launched an immediate donations drive among themselves for earthquake victims) were sleeping on the floors of the quarantine area for new bear arrivals, but are now crammed into the remaining buildings that have been deemed safe.

But rebuilding will come later. Right now, there are more urgent needs. Rescuing already traumatised family dogs and cats from being shot or beaten to death in the city of Dujiangyiang - one of the worst-hit areas is our highest priority. The authorities there have ordered a cull of all dogs and cats, even if they have owners, adding to the misery of survivors who are clinging to their pets for comfort.

We have set up a hotline and a receiving station at a local vet clinic for earthquake victims to surrender their dogs to us for safe-keeping until they are back on their feet and can take them back. Many people, terrified that their much-loved dogs would be killed in front of them have been hiding them in the ruins of their homes and risking their lives to go and feed them.

We have promised those who have handed us their pets that we will make sure they are well cared for. If, after six months, they are still unable to take their pets back, we will continue to look after them until they can be reunited. If they decide they can't take their pets back, we will try to rehome the animals.

So far, we have rescued around 100 dogs and brought them to Chengdu's Qi Ming Pet Rescue Centre, which can take about 100 more. We have also rescued some cats and a few starving dogs that have been found wandering around looking for food. We are giving each a health check and vaccination and will build a quarantine facility for the dogs at the shelter and provide them with food. All this too, of course, will cost money - and we're not sure how long we'll have to provide for these dogs.

I am the first person to question where donations are going in a crisis situation and I can assure you that any donation you make to our earthquake appeal will go directly to our work rescuing dogs and cats from the earthquake zone, vaccinating against rabies, building quarantine kennels at the Qi Ming shelter and supplying other local shelters with food and medical help. Being here on the ground, I will ensure your donation goes first to distraught dogs and cats. Any funds left over will go to rebuilding our bear sanctuary.

Given the enormity of the Sichuan tragedy, this is a difficult time for us to raise funds, as donors are understandably channelling their donations to the human victims of the earthquake. So please, if you are considering donating to the earthquake relief effort, remember that animals are victims too - and by giving to us, you may be helping to save the only family member a survivor has left.

Warm wishes,

Jill

Jill Robinson MBE
Founder and CEO
Animals Asia Foundation
PS: Don't forget to check my blog for regular updates on how we're helping earthquake survivors – both animals and people.

For more information visit Jill blog - http:/www.animalsasia.org/blog
To donate now please go to our website http:/www.animalsasia.org.

May 31: DTBF at Shea Stadium

2008-05-08T19:32:00.000-07:00

On Saturday, May 31, I’ll be heading a group outing to a Mets/Dodgers game at Shea Stadium in New York. I will be wearing my other hat (literally) as the director of Soy Happy, which many of you already know about. Rather than going into a description about Soy Happy, I’ll defer to the website and let you check it out, if you’re interested.

Anyway. It’s through Soy Happy that I came to know Patti. (That picture up there is of me with Patti at an A's game a few years ago.) I was speaking at a conference back in 2001 and she introduced herself afterward, expressing her desire to help and to take action in her own region (D.C./Baltimore area.) She became my Soy Happy Manager for the Orioles and then for the Nationals, as well. When I returned for an Orioles game outing a year later, she played driver and guide to me. We’ve been solid friends ever since.

So. Back to the outing. On May 31, Patti will be joining us at Shea Stadium. We’re there simply to enjoy an afternoon at a ballpark, partake in veggie dogs, chat with a group of great folks, and simply be....soy happy! Dan Piraro, creator of the comic strip, Bizarro, will be there, too, along with his amazing wife, Ashley. As I wrote on the Soy Happy site, he’ll join a group that includes a noted residential architect, a fabulous flamenco dancer (that would be Patti!), a custom vegan glove maker (recently voted in by the National Baseball Hall of Fame and Museum), an MTV video award winner, a former 3-time Little League All Star, an attorney who pro bonos for animal cases... and many others!

It’s as much about Daring To Be Fabulous as it is about being Soy Happy, so I invite you to join us! Contact me at johanna@soyhappy.org if you’d like to get tickets. You can also read more about the Shea outing by clicking on that link.

DTBF!
Johanna

Female Afghan Sprinter in a race against hate

2008-04-05T07:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, the San Francisco Chronicle featured a story about Mehboba Andyar, a female Afghan sprinter who, despite all cultural and personal threats to her pursuit of the Olympic dream, has continued to train for, and will now compete in, the Beijing Olympics. Andyar truly dares to be fabulous. Her courage and her conviction are an example for all.

The article is pasted, below. Please share your comments with us! Also, click on the link to the Chronicle and offer your comments there, too.

Female Afghan sprinter in a race against hate
Nick Meo, Chronicle Foreign Service
Friday, April 4, 2008

(04-04) 04:00 PDT Kabul, Afghanistan --

Many athletes at the Olympic Games this summer will undoubtedly have overcome numerous obstacles to represent their country in Beijing. But only one has been forced to endure a hate campaign.

Sprinter Mehboba Andyar has received threatening midnight phone calls, been jeered at by hostile neighbors and harassed by police. The anger is directed at the 19-year-old runner for being Afghanistan's sole female Olympic athlete. In a conservative Muslim society where few women have roles outside the home, many Afghan men believe females should not compete in sports.

"There have been so many phone calls from people saying I shouldn't be an athlete. There are often strange men hanging outside my home," she said. "Sometimes stones are thrown at the windows at night, and we have had threatening letters. I don't worry about these threats, but if my family didn't want me to go (to Beijing), I wouldn't."

Neighbors scream abuse and threaten her with physical harm each time she leaves her small mud-brick home in a Kabul slum to run. Last month, police officers arrested her father after a neighbor complained that Andyar had been entertaining strange men. Even though she was merely giving an interview to a French journalist and his translator, she says the police hauled the three men to the station. They were soon released after the precinct police chief intervened and apologized, she says.

Since the announcement early this year that she would represent Afghanistan in the 800-meter and 1,500-meter races, the determined Andyar refuses to be intimidated.

"I knew that I would have to be strong to be a runner in Afghanistan," she said. "At least my family and fellow athletes support me and want me to run for my country."

To be sure, she does have some male supporters, especially among the young and educated.

"If a woman likes sports, she should do it," said Naimullah, a 24-year-old university student who goes by just one name. "Afghanistan is changing. In a few years, people won't think this is anything unusual."

When Andyar arrives in Beijing to compete against the world's top runners who have honed their skills at some of the world's best facilities, she knows she has little chance of winning a gold, silver or bronze medal.

"We don't expect her to win," said Habibullah Niazi, a member of Afghanistan's Olympic committee. "But participating in the Olympic Games and running as an Afghan woman athlete is an achievement. All sports people support her. Unfortunately, many of the people do not."

Her interest in running began under the fundamentalist Taliban government in 1998, when she began jogging around the family's enclosed yard in Kabul to avoid the patrols of the Taliban's religious police. Aside from banning television, movies, music and kite flying, the Taliban prevented girls from going to school or work and participating in sports.

When the family fled to Pakistan, her father couldn't afford to join an athletic club where she could train properly. Instead, she ran at a park in Islamabad.

Today, Andyar trains on a cracked concrete track in the same national stadium the Taliban used for public executions. The track, bordered by a chain-link fence topped with razor wire, circles a patch of dried yellow grass where boys play soccer. She dons a track suit and head scarf and plans to do the same in Beijing.

"I am an Afghan, so I have to dress modestly," she said. "It is my culture."

Her training regimen is often interrupted by dust storms that sweep through the city. And to avoid the neighbors' wrath, she runs along potholed streets near her home at night while they are watching popular soap operas, maneuvering around trash piles and open drains.

Later this month, the Afghan and International Olympic committees plan to send Andyar and the only other member of Afghanistan's Olympic squad - a 20-year-old male sprinter named Massoud Azizi - to Malaysia to train at adequate facilities. There, coach Shahpoor Amiri hopes Andyar will be able to focus on running.

"She is an inspiration," Amiri said. "For us, it is enough that an Afghan girl is going to the Beijing games."

http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/04/04/MN5DVOUQ2.DTL

This article appeared on page A - 15 of the San Francisco Chronicle

Observing Our Apologies

2008-03-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

I read a Q&A column with Natalie Portman in this week’s Time Magazine. One reader asked her this question:

“What have you learned about yourself by portraying powerful women?”

To which she replied,

“It has encouraged me to say things authoritatively. Often women preface what they say with ‘I know this might sound stupid’ or ‘I don’t mean to be aggressive, but…’ I tend to do that, so it is great to have the opportunity to play a leader.”

I thought about how true that was and then continued with reading the magazine. Well, in the few days since I read that column, I have become startlingly aware of my own tendency to apologize. Apologize when unnecessary, I hasten to clarify. It has happened enough times for me to self-impose an internal alarm whenever that word comes out of my mouth, or as in most cases, when it came out in the text of an e-mail. I’m training myself to sound that alarm and simply ask myself, “is it truly warranted? Or am I making less of myself because I’m nervous about the response?”

Apologizing is often a way of playing ourselves down and letting the listener, or the reader, know that we put their opinions above ours. In essence, it relays that we are either slightly embarrassed or ashamed to be putting that person on the receiving side of our question or request. Unfortunately, Ms. Portman is correct in stating that this is something many women do. We don’t dare give ourselves the right to just state something, or simply ask.

When I am asking for something and I sense that it may ruffle the other person’s feathers, I have a tendency to apologize. Even if I think it’s their job and my right and there really is nothing wrong with asking.

I heard my internal alarm when I was prone to another apology yesterday, and it occurred to me that the trigger comes from a deeper place. Perhaps it’s a place of connection; a place of compassion. That’s assuming the best, of course. We just don’t like to make others feel uncomfortable or unhappy. Right? Anyone who’s had any bit of self-therapy will admit that’s nonsense, though. Shouldn’t we assume for them the same privilege we grant ourselves? That is, allow them to be accountable for their own response, to deal with things their own way, and to let them handle their own issues without our automatic need to make it all OKAY?

Diplomacy is a delicate art form. Somewhere between directly or aggressively stating something on the one hand, and prefacing the request with an apology (or three or four) on the other…well, therein lies the charm. After all, tact and consideration should never be under-rated.

We each know our internal buttons. When we are acting consciously, I believe that each one of us has an intuitive sense of when we’re apologizing simply to appease a discomfort that we ourselves feel in the process of asking or suggesting something; not necessarily because we are truly SORRY to ask. (Otherwise, why ask?) Generally speaking, we don’t want others to dislike us or to say bad things about us later. We want to be liked at all costs. We mean well, after all. So we apologize as our way of showing that.

Auto-pilot apologizing holds us back in more ways than I think any of us realize. If we continue to introduce our requests with an apology, we’ll continue to back down and give someone else the go ahead, simply because their personalities seem stronger or more forceful, or more notably, because we’re concerned with making sure we’re liked at all costs, even if what we’re asking for is a completely professional or logical request and in no way inappropriate.

I encourage all of you who have this tendency to start observing yourselves more consciously. Ask yourselves if the apology is truly warranted, or whether it’s that auto-pilot trigger. I believe that the more you practice, the taller you’ll stand.

DTBF!
Johanna

Your Top Twenty Inspirational DTBF Films!

2008-01-28T07:49:00.001-08:00

Films have so much power to inspire us, lift our moods, or give us heroes to admire. We were thinking about the many movies where the central female character has either dared to be fabulous, or just was fabulous. Or maybe just a movie involving a woman character that made us feel fabulous. We thought it would be a blast to find out which movies with great women characters inspired all of you!

We’d love you to help us create a Top 20 Dare To Be Fabulous Films list, so let’s get to it! Reply in the ”Comments” section below and name some of your favorites, with a few words about why they inspire or move you! We can’t wait to hear from you. We’ll publish the results here on the web site.

Just to get you started, we’ll throw out some of our own favorites, just to give you an idea. Maybe they are some of yours, too. Just examples, in no particular order:

Johanna: Norma Rae; Whale Rider; Harold and Maude; TransAmerica; Erin Brockovitch; Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore; many of Pedro Almodovar’s movies!

Patti: Shirley Valentine; Anne of a Thousand Days; Romy and Michelle’s Class Reunion, Enchanted April; Elizabeth; Sweet Charity; The Unsinkable Molly Brown; anything with Doris Day.

We’re waiting to hear from you! Remember – click on “Comments” below and tell us what you think! We’ll publish the results soon!

Patti and Johanna

Illustration: "Late at Kate's" by Teresa Moore
www.TeresaMoore.com

Again, Gloria Steinem Says it All

2008-01-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

DTBF contributor Anne Singer alerted us to this outstanding New York Times op-ed that Johanna and I felt was too important to not reprint here. Gloria Steinem, besides being my personal hero since the '70s, has graciously given DTBF permission to reprint an essay from one of her many books, which we plan to do soon. In the meantime, please read her wonderful words here and remember that we still have a long, long way to go. We can't be complacent. We are women, and if we want to lead - we have to Dare!
~ Patti

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/08/opinion/08steinem.html?ref=opinion

January 8, 2008
Op-Ed Contributor
Women Are Never Front-Runners
By GLORIA STEINEM
Correction appended.

The woman in question became a lawyer after some years as a community organizer, married a corporate lawyer and is the mother of two little girls, ages 9 and 6. Herself the daughter of a white American mother and a black African father — in this race-conscious country, she is considered black — she served as a state legislator for eight years, and became an inspirational voice for national unity.

Be honest: Do you think this is the biography of someone who could be elected to the United States Senate? After less than one term there, do you believe she could be a viable candidate to head the most powerful nation on earth?

If you answered no to either question, you’re not alone. Gender is probably the most restricting force in American life, whether the question is who must be in the kitchen or who could be in the White House. This country is way down the list of countries electing women and, according to one study, it polarizes gender roles more than the average democracy.

That’s why the Iowa primary was following our historical pattern of making change. Black men were given the vote a half-century before women of any race were allowed to mark a ballot, and generally have ascended to positions of power, from the military to the boardroom, before any women (with the possible exception of obedient family members in the latter).

If the lawyer described above had been just as charismatic but named, say, Achola Obama instead of Barack Obama, her goose would have been cooked long ago. Indeed, neither she nor Hillary Clinton could have used Mr. Obama’s public style — or Bill Clinton’s either — without being considered too emotional by Washington pundits.

So why is the sex barrier not taken as seriously as the racial one? The reasons are as pervasive as the air we breathe: because sexism is still confused with nature as racism once was; because anything that affects males is seen as more serious than anything that affects “only” the female half of the human race; because children are still raised mostly by women (to put it mildly) so men especially tend to feel they are regressing to childhood when dealing with a powerful woman; because racism stereotyped black men as more “masculine” for so long that some white men find their presence to be masculinity-affirming (as long as there aren’t too many of them); and because there is still no “right” way to be a woman in public power without being considered a you-know-what.

I’m not advocating a competition for who has it toughest. The caste systems of sex and race are interdependent and can only be uprooted together. That’s why Senators Clinton and Obama have to be careful not to let a healthy debate turn into the kind of hostility that the news media love. Both will need a coalition of outsiders to win a general election. The abolition and suffrage movements progressed when united and were damaged by division; we should remember that.

I’m supporting Senator Clinton because like Senator Obama she has community organizing experience, but she also has more years in the Senate, an unprecedented eight years of on-the-job training in the White House, no masculinity to prove, the potential to tap a huge reservoir of this country’s talent by her example, and now even the courage to break the no-tears rule. I’m not opposing Mr. Obama; if he’s the nominee, I’ll volunteer. Indeed, if you look at votes during their two-year overlap in the Senate, they were the same more than 90 percent of the time. Besides, to clean up the mess left by President Bush, we may need two terms of President Clinton and two of President Obama.

But what worries me is that he is seen as unifying by his race while she is seen as divisive by her sex.

What worries me is that she is accused of “playing the gender card” when citing the old boys’ club, while he is seen as unifying by citing civil rights confrontations.

What worries me is that male Iowa voters were seen as gender-free when supporting their own, while female voters were seen as biased if they did and disloyal if they didn’t.

What worries me is that reporters ignore Mr. Obama’s dependence on the old — for instance, the frequent campaign comparisons to John F. Kennedy — while not challenging the slander that her progressive policies are part of the Washington status quo.

What worries me is that some women, perhaps especially younger ones, hope to deny or escape the sexual caste system; thus Iowa women over 50 and 60, who disproportionately supported Senator Clinton, proved once again that women are the one group that grows more radical with age.

This country can no longer afford to choose our leaders from a talent pool limited by sex, race, money, powerful fathers and paper degrees. It’s time to take equal pride in breaking all the barriers. We have to be able to say: “I’m supporting her because she’ll be a great president and because she’s a woman.”

Correction: An earlier version of this Op-Ed stated that Senator Edward Kennedy had endorsed Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton. He has not made an endorsement in the 2008 presidential race.

Gloria Steinem is a co-founder of the Women’s Media Center.